Random Rambling

Every once in awhile I get a little nostalgic and begin to wish I still had parts of my "old life". This never means that I want to give up any part of my "new life" because that would be much worse... but I still can look back at all of the wasted opportunities.

This usually happens when I start stalking on MySpace or Facebook and see people that I used to be close to and the places they have taken themselves. I feel as if I've missed out on part of my dreams because I'm not working in theatre or entertainment in any way. I'm so proud of all of my friends that have stuck with this and even if we don't talk anymore it's amazing that they are on the path we always dreamed of.

I can remember a time in my life when I wanted nothing more than to travel the world singing for a living with nothing to tie me down and nothing to hold me back. Some would say that I got careless and made a mistake by getting pregnant. That I ruined any chance for fulfilling my dreamlife... I'm not sure I agree... Sure, I did get careless but the so-called "mistake" was the best thing that ever happened to me.

I guess the only thing I really hate is that while I was living that life and working in theatre and being "young and single", I was too foolish to enjoy it. I spent all of my time wanting to get trashed and party hard... that's how I got careless. It's all a blur and I would love to play it all over again... I think if I could I would try to remember every moment and I would put more stock in establishing quality relationships... maybe then I wouldn't have lost most of my friends when I got pregnant and moved on with my life.

I really wish I had put more energy into other people instead of myself the whole time... I almost have no relationship with my family and very few actual friends because of the way I treated people in that part of my life. I think I was never able to show God's love to people because I didn't know he loved me. I spent a lot of time trying to love myself and not really genuinely caring about loving others. I'm trying to correct that now but it's a pretty slow process making good friends and really hard if you're not used to it. I have the hardest time keeping up with people and remembering to hold up my end of the relationship.

So, if you're reading this and you consider me a friend... and I've been a bad one, I apologize... Let me know and I'll try harder in the future.